Hate Reading: Ways to Break the Baby Bump News

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While perusing Pinterest today (I loooove Pinterest, no shame in it!) I came across this “fun” article from babyzone.com: “The 25 Most Creative Ways to Announce Pregnancy“.  Now, I get it.  Crafting is fun!  Giving fun news to a loved one is exciting!  But the really intense and overly planned ways some of these women choose to tell their husbands and family that they are pregnant boggles my mind.  Such as:

Peas in a Pod

“I told my husband we were pregnant by having him hold out his hand. I placed a dried pea in it and said, “Want to hear something amazing? This is how small your baby is right now.” His face went from confusion to joy and tears. It was wonderful. We can’t wait to tell our families.”—Karen

Now, warning.  I am putting my  mean girl pants on now.  A DRIED PEA?!  A dried pea.  A crusty old pea.  I mean come on people!  Isn’t the fact that you are creating a life exciting enough?  Why do you have to gild the baby lily?  I’m sorry but if my significant other dropped a dried anything in my hand as a way to convey important news I would probably cry too, but not from happiness.

Baby on Board

“When I found out I was pregnant with our first, I gave my husband a puzzle to put together that said, ‘Congratulations on your new arrival!’ As he held the last piece in place, he dropped it and started crying. With our second, I bought orange construction sign scrapbook stickers and wrote ‘Baby on Board.’ I placed two of them on my belly, then had our 3-year-old lift up my shirt for Daddy to see.”—Cyndee

There are no words to express how annoyed I would be if someone made me work for important information in this way.  Also, how complicated could the puzzle have been?  Was the future dad really totally unsure of what the puzzle spelled before he got to the last piece, or was he just playing along?  Does she always do this to him?  This man probably just deals with puzzles on a constant basis, saying things like “I think we need to start seeing other people” and “You forgot to take the garbage out last night.”  I can see it all now.  He probably broke down because he couldn’t take it anymore.

A Very Valuable Coupon

“I told my husband I was pregnant by giving him a coupon that said, ‘Redeemable for One (1) Baby—Available February, 2010.’ He was speechless, but so excited. I’m not very far along, and we haven’t told our parents yet. We’re waiting to visit the doctor first. Now I just have to keep my mouth shut for a few more weeks!”—Jen

Hahahaha.  What if he went to a hospital or a Chuck E. Cheese and tried to redeem that coupon.  WTF.  It would be useless.

Take Baby Bites

“My husband and I have been trying for a baby for just over a year now. When I finally get to tell him that he’s going to be a daddy, I’m going to make him dinner, but everything is going to be ‘baby.’ Lamb chops, baby carrots, baby potatoes. I’m going to ask him if he tastes a theme? He’ll get the picture!”—Heather

Like come on, come ON.  Seriously?  No.  I refuse to believe it.  A) No.  Heather is not a real person.  B) I would NEVER get the theme.  I would not get it.  Besides the fact that I am a woman, I would apparently make a horrible husband because I would be so mad at all of these.  I consider “Honey, I accidentally deleted American Horror Story” to be important news, so if someone made me figure out dinners and puzzles and shit to find out that I was not going to see Chloe Sevigny acting all slutty that week I would be PISSED.  Now turn “AHS” into “You’re gonna be a dad”.  No.  Does not compute.

Crib Surprise

“I found out that I was pregnant in the middle of the afternoon. I had to wait all day for my husband to come home. When he came in he asked how I was doing, and I said in a very stern voice, ‘You need to go downstairs to the spare room and see what your dog did!’ He was tired and frustrated that I couldn’t just ‘take care of the problem.’ But that all went away when he saw the baby crib set up with stuffed animals and the positive test strip inside.”—Robynn W.

She had the time to go out, buy a crib, and put it together in one afternoon?  Or is she part of the 1% and was able to actually buy pre-assembled furniture?  Also, PA Nicole’s response to Robynn’s ruse was: “”See what your dog did”?  Did the dog get her pregnant?”  So many questions.

At the end of the day, I’m pretty sure all of these shenanigans can be summed up in this one gif:

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And taking off my mean girl pants for a moment, congrats to all these new moms!  Now stop being annoying and pop those kids out already.  Ha!  I lied I left my mean girl pants on.